6/12/25 @7:50ish Big day of errands! Big week of errands! My current boss is such a dick. Gave him over two weeks notice, with my last day being tomorrow and he only scheduled me for a single day this entire week. It's also an early morning kneading shift, which I hate. Its the cherry on top of the shit sundae this job has been! Like how am I supposed to live with so little money, on top of starting a full time position for the first time in two years?? I'm gonna be exhausted and so so broke. If I can hang on until my first check from my nice new job I'll be so grateful. In other things stressing me out, I am at the scary stage of life where I dream about having babies like every night. I wake up crying in the middle of the night grieving my kids. I've heard a lot of my friends talk about it, I'm sure its due to my body being like HEY YOU'RE IN YOUR PRIME TO POP OUT OFFSPRING GO GO GO! I wish it would stop! Ha Ha! Please! Its just a whole other layer to a lot of guilt I still hold from my youth. I'm so happy about where I've ended up and the life I live now but I wonder about what would have happened if I hadn't miscarried back then. Like that could have a been a whole person. Who would they be now? If they had lived I would be a parent to a 5 year old. I'd be prepping them for kindergarten. Teaching them to spell their name and share crayons with their classmates. Hopefully they would be obsessed with dinosaurs or birds or unicorns or trucks or cats and I would be fueling their interests with a billion library books and toys. They would have favorite foods at 5. Would they prefer sweet or salty? What would their favorite color be? I would go crazy making and buying cloths for them. I would make us cute lil matching outfits. I'd take them out on adventures hiking and queer socials and baby yoga and the zoo. I tell myself it's probably for the best that I never had them. The guy I was with at the time was a rapist and abusive and I was in a very unsafe situation. Bringing a baby into that when I was still a minor would have probably doomed me to never escaping him. It also would have been a nightmare to protect my kid from a monster like him. Lots of grief. Lots of guilt. Dreaming of things I can't have. I'm not even at a point in my life now at 23 to say I could safely raise a kid. A small part of me will always want my baby from back then. They barely existed, just a lil a clump of cells. I'll love them forever. I think in a way I consider myself a very paternal/maternal person. I also am grappling with that fact that I was raised to be "a good wife". I didn't really think I would have a choice in the matter until I hit my 20s. Now I have free will and a partner who doesn't expect that from me and I am so unsure about my true feelings. Lover boy has never wanted kids. We both agreed that we aren't going to plan to have any of our own. Fostering is something we are looking forward to trying in the future though! This is so much for a Thursday night! Also I'm totally skipping my shift tomorrow, screw my boss. I'll sneak in when we're closed on a Monday after payday and grab my check.